Tonight I realized in worship tonight that when I sing of surrender and I sing of giving my all and I'm going to be sold out for Jesus, I'm not. I used to, I know what that means and looks like in my life but I've put up all these walls with Jesus. I'm tired so I'm going to sleep in and not trust you to give me energy to get me through the day. I'm mentally exhausted so instead of encouraging a friend I'm going to watch TV. I want my way because I'm so tired from struggling that I'm not going to listen to another person's idea and the possibility that they could be right. I'm so focused on surviving and getting by and meeting my needs I don't hear the voice of God telling me no anymore.
Wow that was a kick in the pants. But how did I get here? Why am I hesitating to go back to those sweet days when all I needed was a word from God and I was good for the day? All I wanted to was to be His hands and feet. Well, I don't want to surrender. I like sleeping in, I like watching TV and not dealing with other people's messy lives, I like being right, I like doing things my way. I learned in a big way this week that my choices effect other people and my pride and be the point of not only my own pain but the pain of others. By not entering into people's messy lives, when I need someone to enter mine, there's no one there. Sleeping isn't wrong, but missing time with Jesus is because when the crap hits the fan he's the only one standing there and I don't know how to ask him for help because I haven't just been in his presence like I need to be.
So how do I change? How do I go from the selfish sinner I've become to the daughter of the king I once was and want to be again. It's simply a choice. I don't have to earn it or repent a million times over. I don't have to be crazy. I just have the choose to turn from the selfish sinful ways (repent) once. and then make Him first. Choose to love my family and friends the way he would love them. Spend time in his presence and be quiet/humble. AND WORSHIP. Worship keeps my heart in check like nothing else. I want God tugging on my heart strings if I start becoming selfish again.
This was all kinda personal, but I hope maybe I've encouraged you too... and if you need me to get in your messy life, I'm working on being better about that, so call me. :)
