A Sobering realization

This week I realized in a few years I'm probably going to be a missionary... which means there will be different expectations of me. Not just in ministry, but that people will expect me to act like a missionary. Like I'm supposed to be perfect or something, which I know is impossible, but I need to be giving far more attention to sanctification and be putting more effort to seek God in the areas He has convicted of sin.

Uganda and Humility

God really did start to do things after my last post. I'm 90% sure I'm going to Uganda in January to work with orphans. As I have prayed over my church here in Washington I'm now seeing God shake things up. I was blessed with encouraging words from a friend who has somehow always been through what I'm going through or is going through the same thing I'm going through. God is just bountifully faith and I am so grateful.

One are I feel so blessed about is I have always had an issue with remembering my quiet times. I am in constant little prayer with God but I often forget to stop and just enjoy his presence and when I read the word my heart doesn't recieve it. This has often burdened me and as much as I tried to force change in my heart I still struggled. I knew this was an issue bigger then simple laziness because I wanted too my heart just wasn't there. I've been praying about it for 18 months off and on when I realize it's an issue again. Finally, finally I see the light and the truth and I feel more free to spend all my time with Him. Some of you may already see the heart issue but I was blinded to it.

It was MASSIVE amounts of pride. Here is a snip from my Journal as I began to realize this.
"I am so full of pride there is hardly room for you in my heart. Humble me that I may drink of you more fully and live more freely in your grace. I want you to look joyfully upon me because of the humility you bring into me and transform me with. I know it'll hurt. It's hard to pray this truly from my heart because I know how deeply rooted pride is in my life, but God I trust you to remove this weed from my life and leave me as a beautiful garden who glorifies the gardener. "

It's been a while

I haven't updated in a while, I guess cause I didn't think this was worth updating. Not a lot has happened. Nothing big anyway. God is continually showing me how I can be more like him, I am continually being stubborn and doing things my own way. This makes for interesting discipline from God sometimes.
Lately though it feels like something is a brew. Something is coming and God is laying the groundwork for it, but I can't see the big picture yet. I keep trying to fill in the blanks to the big picture but he changes that image every day.

I THINK that I will be leading a mission trip sometime next year. I don't know where, what we will be doing, or even who will go with me. It is where God seems to be leading me though.

I also keep thinking He has plans for me to go back to Reno, but I am starting to see that is me pushing my plans on God. So I'm trying to be more submissive in that area.

Although I am horrible at keeping things up to date, obviously, I will try very hard to update this once a week at least. That's about it for now. Check back again soon, cause things change fast when God is moving. :)

God bless!!

Teacher... me?

Pain is better today, praise God!
A unique answer to my prayers about making progress towards the goals necessary to get to medical school. I will be homeschooling one of the kids I tutor as of Monday. CRAZY. I know God has plans for this experience beyond just making money to pay off my debt. Beyond obviously changing this kid's life forever... I think the teaching experience will somehow play into my future. I made my first lesson plans tonight. I had to come up with the list of stuff he needs for his parents. I'm excited to see the changes in him. He's so far behind in school it has effected his self- esteem, he's depressed, and is headed towards a bad future with a bad attitude. It's so cool that I get to be the cross roads. The major problems should fix fast, which will be fun to watch.
Many new exciting things to look forward to in the coming months, including, Lord willing, getting better!

pain... yuck

I've had a bad day in regards to whatever it is that I've got. Massive headache and pains in my knees and ankles. My body desperately wants rest but my mind won't let it. I've been reading more of the Guerrilla Hostage today. It helps distract me some. I have also found rest in that if God can save Ray from such a dire situation. Give him peace in the jungle with his captors on Christmas... then God can certainly get me through this. He will grant me rest and peace, sometimes through reconnection with a close friend, sometimes through hope of a job I can do from home, and sometimes just by letting me know He is there and He is in control. I wish I could do something to feel better... but rather I will be still.

Be still?!

Guerrilla Hostage... Fabulous book. It's about Ray who was captured but Colombian Guerrillas. He was held hostage by these men, yet has forgiven them. That in it of itself made me thing I have to read this cause I struggle with what forgiveness means when the hurt still stings. Anyway then end of the last chapter really struck me. When Ray was first captured his wife and kids had to go back to the states and his wife had to live in this limbo of grief and hope. She'd lost her husband, but maybe not permanantly. Daily she was overcome by this urge to "do SOMETHING" I can completely relate with how sick I've been. There are days where I'll take every vitamin in the house and drink tons of water hoping that will help. Days I've forced myself to go on a walk and push past what I have in me (only to be extreemly ill that night) I think I just have to DO SOMTHING. But this quote gives me peace and strength to go on. "We don't often consider that sometimes Jesus is our strength simply to sit still. " Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10. Our natural tendancy when we have a painful happening in our lives is to go into action - do something. Somtimes it is wiser to sit and just be still. The answers will come." Whoa. Talk about giving a person permission to take a deep breath and relax. I think this might be the beginning behind the REAL meaning of Shalome.

So here's to pressing on and being still at the same time. Hum. I think that means being content in the situation God has for you presently. Yet not shutting down. It means I can let go of these circumstances I can't control and just seek God. Just be greatful for the fact that I am not in the hospital, but able to be home in my own bed. For the fact that I get like 6 hours a day, sometimes more, to just hear God, without the voice of a boss drowning out His voice. Thank you God... Thank you.

Today's step towards the ends of the earth:
Reading Guarilla Hostage and Genesis.
Praying for the missionaries of Guatemala that there will be a fruitful harvest and God will move throughout the country in all areas. Political, Educational, Healthcare, Financial, Spiritual, Relational.