Tickets!!!!!

I am way overdue for an update. Despite an epic fail on my big fundraiser God has been faithful and I'm only about $400 away from my goal and I should have that just from paychecks before I go. I still have several people who have told me they are helping me in someway they just don't know the amount yet. God is so faithful I feel so foolish for doubting him.
My plane tickets have been purchased and I'm getting excited about going. It feels like it's real now that I have tickets. So now it's on to the next phase of anxiety... what's going to happen? Sometimes I find myself getting nervous about this adventure I'm about to embark on. I know there are dangers and it would be safer to stay home. Sometimes I have this split second thought of not going because I get scared but then I remember why I'm going and it goes away. Please pray with me against this fear and pray all the little details get worked out because I've had several plans fall through of details like what phone I will have so I can be in communication with people I know while traveling between countries. It's little stuff like that but stuff that will make a big difference in my anxiety.
So the official dates are August 7-31. I fly out of Seattle. I've been thinking about having a little get together at my house the night before for those who want to come say good-bye details to come.
Thanks for your prayers.

At the end of me

I found it. I've come to the end of me, where the only choice I have is faith. Yesterday I found out only 2 tickets have sold for my fundraiser dinner on Friday. While I've had some minor panic moments I've been pretty strong in faith knowing God's going to come through. Tonight I decided to skip my normal entertainment and to-do list plans and have some Jesus time to talk to him about this in addition to the hours of prayer today and yesterday. This is what he told me: If I get through Friday with only a one cent donation and I lose a lot of money on this event, but I have faith, and I am kind and my words are loving and encouraging - then it's a success. So for all of those who pray for me, remember the story about the battle with the Amalek :

Amalek came and fought Israel at Rephidim. Moses ordered Joshua: "Select some men for us and go out and fight Amalek. Tomorrow I will take my stand on top of the hill holding God's staff." Joshua did what Moses ordered in order to fight Amalek. And Moses, Aaron, and Hur went to the top of the hill. It turned out that whenever Moses raised his hands, Israel was winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, Amalek was winning. But Moses' hands got tired. So they got a stone and set it under him. He sat on it and Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on each side. So his hands remained steady until the sun went down. Joshua defeated Amalek and its army in battle.

God said to Moses, "Write this up as a reminder to Joshua, to keep it before him, because I will most certainly wipe the very memory of Amalek off the face of the Earth."

Moses built an altar and named it "God My Banner." He said,

Salute God's rule!
God at war with Amalek
Always and forever!
                                                                --- Exodus 17 Msg
I know I need you holding my arms in this battle of faith this week. I am so weak and I'm struggling so much. PLEASE be praying for me. Prayer is the only way to win this battle and I cannot do it alone.

Prayer

I remember a conversation during one of the classes in the internship, we were talking about prayer. I was abnormally quiet that day because for all of my theological understanding, prayer didn't click with me like I saw it click in those around me. I didn't know why. I knew that God was all powerful and I thought that no matter what I did or said God was still going to do what He planned and so my prayers were really for my benefit and frankly I wasn't getting much benefit.
Around January my prayers started to change. I started to decide that even though I don't understand I'm going to choose to pray for God to help me heal. Heal from the grief I had from losing a friend to cancer. Grief from failing out of the nursing program and still grief from not being chosen for the 2nd year internship. 2011 was a rough year for me, but I decided to give it to God and trust Him to make it better because I didn't want to be miserable anymore.
Slowly things have changed and I get deeper with God over and over again. Right now I'm experiencing a new level of deepness as I begin to understand prayer differently then I did. It's freeing.

God
This new understanding of prayer starts with a more refined understanding of God. Yes, God is all powerful. He can do whatever he wants. Just like we can say whatever we want to a 2 year old. God CHOSE to limit himself so that things on earth are done because humans do them. That's why Jesus had to come in the form of man. Just like we choose to use fewer words when we talk to a 2 year old. Just because we use a simpler vocabulary doesn't mean to don't have the ability to use all the words we know, it's just better for the 2 year old if we use simple words. It's better for us if God limits himself. Why? He gave us purpose and responsibility. We aren't here to self destruct we are here so that God can use us to accomplish his will.

Praying
So when you pray, pray for the things God has already reviled to you are His will. Things that he has said you need to wait for His timing... pray for those things to come. Then pray for the things you know he desires in scripture, like healing, strong marriages, salvation, be a part of God moving by praying for the things He needs you to pray for. Don't forget to ask for the things you want. God loves us and he'll either answer our prayers or show us why it's not good for us to have what we want.

I'm only on chapter 2 of this book so I'm sure that there is more to come!

Answered prayer

I know many of you have been praying for my health for years. I wanted to give you an update. In addition to the main endometriosis problem, for as long as I can remember I've had fatigue that would take over periodically for no known reason. It's effected school, my social life, my faith I've even had to quit jobs because of it, it's been an uphill battle for sure! Over the years I've been tested for everything under the sun and finally the doctors just labeled it with some catch all diagnosis that didn't really make sense and the treatment didn't help even in the slightest.
The fatigue hit again. It's slow to start so sometime last week I noticed I was really struggling. I decided to call my new doctor, the natropath, to see if I had set up the new diet she has me on wrong or something. After reviewing that she said that wasn't the problem but in the tests she ran the last visit there was one test that came back positive that may answer these questions.
I have a genetic mutation that effects my metabolism. I actually have two that work on the same pathway. So the enzyme that is supposed to be made by this gene isn't working. This can cause FATIGUE, heart disease (in the long rung) miscarriages, dementia, blood clots, etc.
The even more exciting part to finding the problem and putting and accurate name on it is the treatment is pretty simple and not that costly. It's two supplements a day, the receptionist said her husband is on the same stuff and it works like a miracle. It's gonna take 3-14 days to kick in (plus maybe a little bit because one of the supplements I have to wait until next week to get, they were out) As with everything concerning my health, I asked how this will effect me when I move to Africa after school. She said, I do need to be on these for the rest of my life. So when teams come over or people come to visit or I go home I'll have to get more and one bottle lasts 3 months of the one, not sure about the other... so it's really not that big of a deal. AND I"LL FEEL BETTER!!!
I'm not sure I've ever been so excited to get a diagnosis before ever! Thank you all for your prayers. I'll keep you updated.

By Faith... you obeyed

The theme of my life lately has been faith. So when I started a new reading plan I thought it would be good to do one on faith, since that's where God is working in my life anyway. Today I was reading Hebrews 11. Yeah it's cool to read about how people a LONG time ago obeyed God and trusted Him and had faith. There were two verses though that really struck me.

(Taken from The Message) Hebrews 11:6 - It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him. I think it's easy to forget that second part. That's why we hunger for someone to speak prophesy over us. It's why we hunger for healing. It's why we hunger for miracles. They are signs to us that God does care enough to respond to our prayers. The problem is miracles come when we ask for them in faith. If we're really asking for faith when we ask for miracles it's not likely that will come. Then we're discouraged that God didn't hear us. When it's not that... we just had the wrong attitude. If we need faith, we have to ask for it and then act on it. You can't just agree that you should have faith to have faith, you have to do something. That also means we need to obey and live in it. Do the crazy things God says to do. Listen for His voice. He's speaking to you, you just might not be listening. It means living like a promise from God is going to be answered. No back up plans. It means telling someone something they might not want to hear... but God wants them to hear. It means loving the unlovable. Living in faith is not easy.

Then it was funny because I was already putting this picture together in my head and I came to Hebrews 11:40 - God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours. I think this is HUGE because sometimes living a life of faith, even in a christian community can feel lonely. Sometimes God calls us to do weird things that make us feel alone. But the simple truth is, if you are walking in faith... you are walking right next to Enoch, Noah, Abraham, David, Jesus, etc. You are never alone, nor were they ever alone. God is not limited by time and so in my head all these people - even today, are all walking together hand in hand obeying the God who made us. I don't know about you, but that's the most beautiful picture to me.

Step out in faith today. Ask God how He needs you to obey today. How can you become a man or woman of faith?

Sermon on the Mount

Oh, my time with God was goooood this morning.
I want to share with you a bit of my heart. I know most of this blog in the past has just been boring trip updates for various mission trips. While that's fine, I feel like God is teaching me stuff along this road and I'm ripping you off by not sharing. It's your journey too in a way, if you have committed to pray or have given. So I should be sharing with you what God is doing if it's in my heart or in the physical world.
Among many things God has been teaching me to TRUST him. That means letting go of things I think help hold me together and trust Him to do a better job. As I cleaned out my closet yesterday I had a hard time letting go of some really cute pieces. I haven't worn them because they don't fit right or I don't have anything to go with it and I kept thinking if I let this go I have room to get something I like better and fits better. Then I read my Bible this morning. In Matthew 6, when Jesus talks about how we shouldn't worry about what we're going to wear, because God makes the flowers beautiful. The way the Message puts it, basically I felt like it was directly attacking the fashion world. The expensive clothes and shoes and even if we bargain shop, we have ALOT so we can be fashionable. So I see a contrast: Jesus says don't worry about what you are wearing and he says be generous. I'll let you make the connection.

Then I found another contrast, a lifestyle our society certainly doesn't propel remember the school yard rhyme "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" Will, Jesus kinda says the opposite. When he's talking about persecution he says in essence, bring it on, because it it'll only make you closer to God and if you die, you get to be with God, so there's not loss there. Then when talking about loving and hating your enemies he says what you say kills. Sounds to me like the rhyme should instead say "Sticks and stones will save me but your words will destroy me"

It's frustrating to see how backwards we have it sometimes. I was so encouraged because I left like most of what I read today was affirming to me, I'm on the right path. I'm doing what I need to do. I'm sacrificing my desires so I can have a pure and righteous heart. Sometimes it hurts and it's hard and I'm scared of failure but I want Jesus. Plain and simple.

Fear be gone!

I'm working on integrating a truth into my life. I love how God is helping me in different ways. It starts with a short story in the book Kisses from Katie, by Katie Davis.

"Once there was a people who surveyed the resources of the world and said to each other: “How can we be sure that we will have enough in hard times? We want to survive whatever happens. Let us start collecting food, materials, and knowledge so that we are safe and secure when a crisis occurs.” So they started hoarding, so much and so eagerly that the other peoples protested and said: “You have so much more than you need, while we don’t have enough to survive. Give us part of your wealth!” But the fearful hoarders said: “No, no, we need to keep this in case of an emergency, in case things go bad for us too, in case our lives are threatened.” But the others said: “We are dying now, please give us food and materials and knowledge to survive. We can’t wait . . . we need it now!” Then the fearful hoarders became even more fearful, since they became afraid that the poor and hungry attack them. So they said to one another: “Let us build walls around our wealth so that no stranger can take it from us.” They started erecting walls so high that they could not even see anymore whether their enemies were outside the walls or not! As their fear increased they told each other: “Our enemies have become so numerous that they may be able to tear down our walls. Our walls are not strong enough to keep them away. We need to put bombs at the top of the walls so that nobody will dare to even come close to us.” But instead of feeling safe and secure behind their armed walls they found themselves trapped in the prison they had built with their own fear. They even became afraid of their own bombs, wondering if they might harm themselves more than their enemy. And gradually they realized their fear of death had brought them closer to it."

When I first read this I thought of our hearts. We are afraid of being hurt so instead of loving others caring for them or just being with them in their place of pain, we ignore it. We hope if we act like we didn't see it then God won't hold us accountable for saying "no" to the opportunity to be Him to them. I think a lot of this stuff about the way we guard our hearts we do, subconsciously and we need to pray that God gives us the courage to step beyond that.

Isaiah 52:3 describes Jesus as "a man of suffering, and familiar with pain." When I read that it struck me that Jesus made himself vulnerable to feel the pain of others to allow himself to be moved by compassion for others. Why do we fear compassion? I think we fear it because it moves us to action and sometimes it's nice to stay in our comfy bed in our comfy pajamas and we don't want to get up and do something. But if we want to have the heart of Jesus - a man of compassion who suffered with the suffering and hurt because of it - we HAVE to open our hearts to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12:15 NIV) That means no just when it's socially respectable to mourn, but EVEN when you come across that person you know is wearing a mask of "everything's ok" but you can tell, nothing's ok. Listen, pray, BE THERE. It means when a kid comes to your door raising money for something and he's obviously discouraged by the lack of generosity, allow yourself to be moved to compassion and give up your coffee tomorrow and buy something or make a donation.


That's the second thing I go from this story, first I thought of the show about disaster prepping and the ridiculous amount of money people put into building a bunker and stock piling food they may be more organized but there's nothing different between them and the hoarders. Both are driven by fear to keep, keep, keep. There's no generosity. There's no giving. They are held captive by fear. If we want to live like Jesus, according to Matthew 5, we have to be generous and gracious. I do't see either of these qualities in hoarding. Now, maybe I don't hoard in either of those ways, but I eat out a lot more then I should. I could work to spend less on food and then have more to give away. I have BAGS of clothes in my closet that don't fit anymore, not even close. I keep them just in case. Just in case means I'm afraid Jesus won't take care of me when something happens.


My project this week: clean out my closet and give away all of my just in case clothes. Project number 2: put some cash in small bills in my wallet so when the kid does come to my door, or there's a homeless man sitting outside my church, I have money to give. I won't have an excuse. I refuse to live in captivity to fear!