surrender requires trust

Tonight I realized in worship tonight that when I sing of surrender and I sing of giving my all and I'm going to be sold out for Jesus, I'm not. I used to, I know what that means and looks like in my life but I've put up all these walls with Jesus. I'm tired so I'm going to sleep in and not trust you to give me energy to get me through the day. I'm mentally exhausted so instead of encouraging a friend I'm going to watch TV. I want my way because I'm so tired from struggling that I'm not going to listen to another person's idea and the possibility that they could be right. I'm so focused on surviving and getting by and meeting my needs I don't hear the voice of God telling me no anymore.

Wow that was a kick in the pants. But how did I get here? Why am I hesitating to go back to those sweet days when all I needed was a word from God and I was good for the day? All I wanted to was to be His hands and feet. Well, I don't want to surrender. I like sleeping in, I like watching TV and not dealing with other people's messy lives, I like being right, I like doing things my way. I learned in a big way this week that my choices effect other people and my pride and be the point of not only my own pain but the pain of others. By not entering into people's messy lives, when I need someone to enter mine, there's no one there. Sleeping isn't wrong, but missing time with Jesus is because when the crap hits the fan he's the only one standing there and I don't know how to ask him for help because I haven't just been in his presence like I need to be.

So how do I change? How do I go from the selfish sinner I've become to the daughter of the king I once was and want to be again. It's simply a choice. I don't have to earn it or repent a million times over. I don't have to be crazy. I just have the choose to turn from the selfish sinful ways (repent) once. and then make Him first. Choose to love my family and friends the way he would love them. Spend time in his presence and be quiet/humble. AND WORSHIP. Worship keeps my heart in check like nothing else. I want God tugging on my heart strings if I start becoming selfish again.

This was all kinda personal, but I hope maybe I've encouraged you too... and if you need me to get in your messy life, I'm working on being better about that, so call me. :)

Religion or relationship?

I've always said I'm not religious I'm about having a relationship with Christ. You can call me a Christian if you want but I don't label myself that way because it has so many twisted connotations in our society.

I was reading in Luke 1 this morning. I was struck by verse 28.

(In the Message)
Good Morning!
You're beautiful with God's beauty,
Beautiful inside and out.
God be with you.

Right in that moment the realization of who Mary must have been for God to choose her and make this deceleration over her struck me. She wasn't like her Jewish culture making sacrifices at the temple but not really knowing God, making and following silly rules; She knew God. She had a relationship with Him. She probably prayed daily for the coming of the Messiah. She was already a part of God's work on the earth before she became the mother of the Messiah because she was praying for God's will to be done on the earth.

I want to be a part of God's plans on the earth I want the physical importance but I forget about the ground work that makes me qualified to be used by God. The prayer and the relationship. I think I often claim to not be religious because my religion looks different  then the typical definition. I do a lot of things without talking to God about it. I forget to spend time with Lord sometimes. I go to church, I do churchy things, I go on mission trips, and sometimes there's a lot of relationship but sometimes there is none. I don't want to be a Pharisee making my life all about "things I do for God" instead of just being with God. I want to be like Mary. God, take my heart and make it yours. Mold it to desire you more then it does right now. Show me how to pray, show me how to seek you more. Convict me again if I begin to fall into religion. 

what a ride

The sound of this blog will be different then usually because I'm tagging it so travelers making the same trip can find some good info. There's not much out there.
30 hours of peace from the Lord. That's the best way to describe the bus ride from Kampala, Uganda to Arusha, Tanzania. I went into the trip with expectations of the worst. Yeah, it was bad, but not as bad as I expected. It cost me 95,000 Uganda Shillings which was about $38 US. The bus was 5.5 hours later then my ticket said. That frustrated me some, but I was used to Africa time by that point and wasn't too upset. I had some chapti in the restaurant with no ill effects and it was only 3,000 shillings for 2. I traveled with Kampala Coach and I would recommend traveling with them again. Once we were finally on the road it was rush hour traffic so the driver took a back road route out of Kampala which was bumpy but faster then normal. We got to the Kenya boarder around 12:30 am. If you a just getting a transit visa I would recommend bringing with you small bills in US dollars. The sign said the cost was $10-20 and when I said I only had $13 us he said I would need to get more because that wasn't enough and I ended up paying $25 because of what I lost in exchanging Tanzania shillings into US. Don't let anyone fill out your paper work, they don't allow agents to bring your stuff to the counter. If you are muzungu they swarm you. Just tell them you will do it yourself. You shouldn't have to pay to exit the country only entering. Oh and Tanzania visitor Visa in August 2012 was $100 not $50 like Uganda
Anyway. That was the only area I had any trouble. I was very nervous about my stuff getting stolen and I was afraid I wouldn't sleep. I wrapped my backpack around my legs and put my feet on top and and my purse around me and nestled between me and the bus wall. I dozed off several times and by the end I realized I was a lot more safe then I was fearing. All my bags made it and nothing was taken from me.
I hardly ate or drank at all the whole trip because I was afraid of needing to go to the bathroom because we only stopped to let people on or off. Sometimes we went 5 or 6 hours without stopping.
The pump on the second gas tank broke. So we broke down on the side of the road for a while and they cyphened the gas out from that tank into the other tank and we were going again.
I really felt like the people on the bus were watching out for me and I didn't feel like a target was on me because I was white. The staff was kind and were very helpful to me.
So a word to those looking to take this journey, it's bumpy, it's smelly, it's hot, it's exhausting, it's nerve racking, it's REALLY REALLY long, but it's crazy cheep. So if you're willing to go on an adventure I say do it but expect the worst. Otherwise, fly, it's not that expensive.

TIA (This is Africa)

I’ve heard this phrase over and over again but felt that last Tuesday, it was very applicable. I had discovered that because of the diet here one of my medications needed to be increased, but I didn’t have enough. So Sara, the founder/director of the ministry I am at agreed to take me to the pharmacy to try to get some more. We were waiting for the road to clear to make a right turn (driving on the opposite side of the road… it’s like a left turn) the cars started honking behind us because this is Africa driving. The road had cleared and as we began to turn a boda boda (a motorcycle with a paying passenger) passed us on the right which is illegal. Because he did, we hit the back and they went sliding across the pavement. The driver got up, but the woman on the back didn’t move. I jumped out to check on her while Sara tried to pull out of traffic. What I saw terrified me and I didn’t know what to do except pray. The woman didn’t look good and I was sure there was brain damage (no one wears helmets here). Next door to the pharmacy is a clinic so I ran into the clinic and asked for a doctor. They moved fast which surprised me because if you’ve ever been to Africa, nothing is fast except the driving. Sara, a nurse, went in the clinic with the woman while I waited in the car with the other American volunteering here right now, Kailey. Sara eventually came back telling us that the woman had a complex fracture and they don’t have the ability to set it at this clinic but she’ll have to be transferred but there was no evidence of brain damage she was talking and in pain but cognitive and fine. So there’s two possibilities it was shock and that’s why she looked so bad when I saw her, or God healed her. I’m ok with either one. The police were getting the driver and sara’s stories about what happened but the boda driver was saying it wasn’t his fault but his account of what happened was the same as Sara’s .  Joseph, Sara’s husband, a Ugandan, showed up, putting us all a little more at ease. The Woman’s husband showed up and at this point Sara said even though it’s not her fault she wants to help with the woman’s medical bills, knowing the boda driver wouldn’t/couldn’t. After a couple hours at the scene, one of the staff members from the ministry showed up to pick us up. Sara and Joseph went to the police station to make their statement about what happened. As far as we knew it was clear the police knew it was the boda driver’s fault and things should resolve easily

The next morning Kailey had gotten a text from Sara that she had been arrested but was later released. We knew nothing more. We were very confused. That night we got more of the story. Things got complicated after the police station, Sara wanted to check on the woman, the police said she should not go, it would make her look guilty, but they went anyway. The husband was very angry because there was a police officer who was telling lies to everyone and he told the husband that it was Sara’s fault. There was a big upset and the husband hit Sara’s husband, Joseph. There was a police officer there who was a friend of the woman’s family and he decided to arrest Sara. He took sara back to the same police station they just came from. The officer working looked up the case number she gave him, he looked at it and told the police man who arrested her, he could not arrest her. So she was released. Her car remained in evidence for several days. Later there was a meeting with Sara and the Husband again and he apologized for hitting Joseph and he agreed to not press charges against Sara he understood the collision was not her fault.

The moral of the story…. Life is different in Africa. Things are more complicated sometimes especially if the color of your skin is a little different.

What life would be like

These kids are so well taken care of here, they are fed well, clothed well, they go to church and to school, they go to the doctor when they are sick, it's sometimes easy to forget that these kids are orphans. I was reminded yesterday. I was holding this little guy, 

He had a fever and was just not feeling well. He started crying and so I was holding him while also trying to keep an eye on the rest of the children during play time… which means let’s see how many of us can clobber Aunty Nicole at once time. So poor Emma is caught in the middle. I thought it would be good for him to just go lay down but after 5 minutes of crying I didn’t think that was going to work, so I just held him. He had quieted and then started crying again, I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong and eventually figured out he needed to go potty. So I took him but it struck me, a mom would have known. A mom would have known that cry. That’s what these kids are missing, they are loved and they are taken care of, but they will never be known the way they would have been known by mommy. I don't know what make of this, but it has deepened my compassion toward them.

virus or no virus

I remember sitting in freshman health class and we watched a video about the Ebola virus (I don't remember why) but I remember thinking wow, good thing I'm never going to Africa. I forgot about that until today. Today I received official notice from the ministry I'm working with that there is an Ebola outbreak in Uganda. There's only been 1 case in Kampala (where I'll be) and it was someone who came in to go to the hospital. Ebola transmission is similar to HIV. I obviously have already planned to be cautious about that so I'm not concerned. The ministry said if they become concerned about risk they will send me home and hunker down with the kids.
I will probably just leave early for Tanzania depending on the circumstances. WHO and CDC are involved. WHO has not placed any travel restrictions on Uganda. I'm not concerned about this but I did want to share with you who are supporting me in prayer how to be praying.
Thank you for supporting me and lifting me up!
Ok that was a nice little break, time to get back to packing.

Tickets!!!!!

I am way overdue for an update. Despite an epic fail on my big fundraiser God has been faithful and I'm only about $400 away from my goal and I should have that just from paychecks before I go. I still have several people who have told me they are helping me in someway they just don't know the amount yet. God is so faithful I feel so foolish for doubting him.
My plane tickets have been purchased and I'm getting excited about going. It feels like it's real now that I have tickets. So now it's on to the next phase of anxiety... what's going to happen? Sometimes I find myself getting nervous about this adventure I'm about to embark on. I know there are dangers and it would be safer to stay home. Sometimes I have this split second thought of not going because I get scared but then I remember why I'm going and it goes away. Please pray with me against this fear and pray all the little details get worked out because I've had several plans fall through of details like what phone I will have so I can be in communication with people I know while traveling between countries. It's little stuff like that but stuff that will make a big difference in my anxiety.
So the official dates are August 7-31. I fly out of Seattle. I've been thinking about having a little get together at my house the night before for those who want to come say good-bye details to come.
Thanks for your prayers.